Okay, so after an inappropriately long period of not updating, I'm finally back! To be fair, part of the reason it took me so long to get back to this was because I had trouble finding this guy's site for the longest time. Well, now that I've found it again, I can get back to picking apart the endless supply of fail that he contains.
Anyway, while I was on my hiatus, I realized something; I like Canada. And Canadians (you know, who live there and stuff). Why? Because it's a great country - it just happens to be home to one of the biggest assholes in the world. I figured that out by watching Axis Powers Hetalia, which...is frickin' hilarious, especially when you imagine just how this guy Toobis would react if he ever saw that show! Yeah, it's kind of sad when you have to watch a crack-parody of history to figure out that all countries have their ups and downs, whatever...but then, I am a sad person. Anyway, let's cut the crap and get to the LOL's!
I'm mad.. about MADD! I somehow ended up at the MADD-Canada website today.
O rly? Like, your computer is magic or something?
Not since the George Bush Iraq War declaration speech have I seen so much MORONIC BALDERDASH in one place!
I wonder how many times he'll say "balderdash" and some variant of "moron" in this rant. Let's try a drinking game and find out!
Mothers Against Drunk Driving is a lot of good intentions, but in the end it boils down to PURE HOGWASH. Let me just come out and say it: I like to have a beer or a few shots of vodka from time to time, at parties and so forth, and I CAN DRIVE PERFECTLY FINE WHILE DRUNK, AND SO CAN LOTS OF PEOPLE.
Somewhere in Canada, a baby moose is crying. T_T
There are some people who simply CANNOT DRIVE, sober or not!
I have to agree, actually. *cough*Idaho*cough*
You know the type. They are always cutting you off in traffic, waiting too long to move after the light turns green, driving 15 kilometers (that's METRIC for you AMERICANS)
Learnin' you some knowledge aboot the rules of the road.
under the posted speed limit simply because THEY WANT TO BE PRICKS. They are the ones always getting into head on collisions and whose mangled vehicles are always strewn across the highway making your COMMUTE to work SLOWER THAN HELL!
Ugh, don't you just hate that?
Boss: Bill, what took you so long to get here?
Bill: Oh sorry, car troubles. Some drunk Canadian hit me head-on and set my car on fire like a Pinto in a Michael Bay movie. He scratched the paint and everything!
Sure, it's sad when you drive by and see that people have died,
but you can't help but be a little bit ticked that they even got into their car that morning,
Now if that guy hadn't been such an idiot and actually drove in a car - you know, even though he probably has a job and needs to make the commute somehow. That's what we have jetpacks for!
because SOME PEOPLE JUST CAN'T DRIVE and THEY PROBABLY KNEW THAT ABOUT THEMSELVES WHEN THEY GOT BEHIND THE WHEEL!
I got nothing.
Some time in the last decade or so, CANADA and AMERICA and ALL OF NORTH AMERICA decided to stop TAKING RESPONSIBILITY for their actions, and started just blaming everything that goes wrong in life on everything but the PERSON RESPONSIBLE! A bad-driving MORON
Drink!
decides to drink a few beers before getting behind the wheel.
You mean you?
He (probably a She though, since WOMEN CAN'T DRIVE!!)
Interesting fun fact here: there is some truth to the whole 'women can't drive' thing, since statistically women are more likely to scratch the paint/ding your door. Men on the other hand are statistically more prone to running through a red light and ramming you head-on. And your chances of that man being Toobis increase if you're in Canada.
gets into a wreck, which probably WOULD HAVE HAPPENED ANYWAYS, and the police find alcohol in the driver's blood stream. Suddenly the MASS MEDIA has a FIELD DAY,
Whhheeeeeeee!!!!!!!
spreading the top story that "a drunk driver killed someone today" (more like SENSATIONALISM aka YELLOW JOURNALISM). SURE, the ALCOHOL is to blame! Never mind the fact that just yesterday that driver was busy PISSING ME OFF by forgetting to turn his/her turn signal off, driving TOO SLOW, and just plain BEING A MORON.
Drink!
If you CAN'T DRIVE, GET OFF THE ROAD!!
WAKE UP PEOPLE! DRUNK DRIVING DEMONIZATION is BULL HONKEY, HOGWASH,
Drink!
and just PLAIN MORONIC.
Drink!
I don't know how many times I've driven myself home STONED and DRUNK,
You can't make this stuff up...this is what he actually wrote...
but it doesn't even ALTER my driving ability!
So those road cones are always purple?
AT ALL! Why? BECAUSE I'M A GOOD DRIVER SOBER, THEREFORE I'M A GOOD DRIVER DRUNK!
The worst thing is those parents and their NON-STOP WHINING. "Oh, boo hoo, I lost my only daughter to a drunk driver, boo hoo hoo". Well CRY ME A RIVER. What was your daughter doing stumbling around in the middle of the street in the dark anyway?
Probably trying your advice and not driving herself home?
SHE WAS PROBABLY JUST AS PLASTERED AS THE DRUNK DRIVER.
Which is probably why she wasn't driving.
Maybe I'm just in a bad mood or something,
No, really?
BUT SHE PROBABLY DESERVED TO BE KILLED.
Ain't he just awesome?
ALCOHOL is not the problem, MORONS
Drink!
WHO CAN'T DRIVE is! Man, I'm pissed!
Well, there you go. I'd recommend not getting behind the wheel after reading this, and maybe calling a medic...or something. But seriously, this guy shouldn't be a reason to hate Canada. Hell, I think there's plenty of Canadians who want so badly to beat this guy to a bloody pulp with a hockey stick. So, that's all folks!
