Thursday, August 16, 2012

Guys, I really do love Canada!

Okay, so after an inappropriately long period of not updating, I'm finally back! To be fair, part of the reason it took me so long to get back to this was because I had trouble finding this guy's site for the longest time. Well, now that I've found it again, I can get back to picking apart the endless supply of fail that he contains.

Anyway, while I was on my hiatus, I realized something; I like Canada. And Canadians (you know, who live there and stuff). Why? Because it's a great country - it just happens to be home to one of the biggest assholes in the world. I figured that out by watching Axis Powers Hetalia, frickin' hilarious, especially when you imagine just how this guy Toobis would react if he ever saw that show! Yeah, it's kind of sad when you have to watch a crack-parody of history to figure out that all countries have their ups and downs, whatever...but then, I am a sad person. Anyway, let's cut the crap and get to the LOL's!

I'm mad.. about MADD! I somehow ended up at the MADD-Canada website today. 
 O rly? Like,  your computer is magic or something?
Not since the George Bush Iraq War declaration speech have I seen so much MORONIC BALDERDASH in one place!
I wonder how many times he'll say "balderdash" and some variant of "moron" in this rant. Let's try a drinking game and find out!
 Mothers Against Drunk Driving is a lot of good intentions, but in the end it boils down to PURE HOGWASH. Let me just come out and say it: I like to have a beer or a few shots of vodka from time to time, at parties and so forth, and I CAN DRIVE PERFECTLY FINE WHILE DRUNK, AND SO CAN LOTS OF PEOPLE.
Somewhere in Canada, a baby moose is crying. T_T 
There are some people who simply CANNOT DRIVE, sober or not!
 I have to agree, actually. *cough*Idaho*cough*
 You know the type. They are always cutting you off in traffic, waiting too long to move after the light turns green, driving 15 kilometers (that's METRIC for you AMERICANS)
Learnin' you some knowledge aboot the rules of the road. 
 under the posted speed limit simply because THEY WANT TO BE PRICKS. They are the ones always getting into head on collisions and whose mangled vehicles are always strewn across the highway making your COMMUTE to work SLOWER THAN HELL!
 Ugh, don't you just hate that?
Boss: Bill, what took you so long to get here?

Bill: Oh sorry, car troubles. Some drunk Canadian hit me head-on and set my car on fire like a Pinto in a Michael Bay movie. He scratched the paint and everything!
 Sure, it's sad when you drive by and see that people have died,
 but you can't help but be a little bit ticked that they even got into their car that morning, 
 Now if that guy hadn't been such an idiot and actually drove in a car - you know, even though he probably has a job and needs to make the commute somehow. That's what we have jetpacks for!
I got nothing.
Some time in the last decade or so, CANADA and AMERICA and ALL OF NORTH AMERICA decided to stop TAKING RESPONSIBILITY for their actions, and started just blaming everything that goes wrong in life on everything but the PERSON RESPONSIBLE! A bad-driving MORON
 decides to drink a few beers before getting behind the wheel.
 You mean you?
 He (probably a She though, since WOMEN CAN'T DRIVE!!)
 Interesting fun fact here: there is some truth to the whole 'women can't drive' thing, since statistically women are more likely to scratch the paint/ding your door. Men on the other hand are statistically more prone to running through a red light and ramming you head-on. And your chances of that man being Toobis increase if you're in Canada.
 gets into a wreck, which probably WOULD HAVE HAPPENED ANYWAYS, and the police find alcohol in the driver's blood stream. Suddenly the MASS MEDIA has a FIELD DAY,
 spreading the top story that "a drunk driver killed someone today" (more like SENSATIONALISM aka YELLOW JOURNALISM). SURE, the ALCOHOL is to blame! Never mind the fact that just yesterday that driver was busy PISSING ME OFF by forgetting to turn his/her turn signal off, driving TOO SLOW, and just plain BEING A MORON.

 and just PLAIN MORONIC.
 I don't know how many times I've driven myself home STONED and DRUNK, 
 You can't make this stuff up...this is what he actually wrote...
but it doesn't even ALTER my driving ability!
 So those road cones are always purple?
No caption is necessary.
The worst thing is those parents and their NON-STOP WHINING. "Oh, boo hoo, I lost my only daughter to a drunk driver, boo hoo hoo". Well CRY ME A RIVER. What was your daughter doing stumbling around in the middle of the street in the dark anyway? 
 Probably trying your advice and not driving herself home?
 Which is probably why she wasn't driving.
Maybe I'm just in a bad mood or something,
 No, really?
 Ain't he just awesome?
ALCOHOL is not the problem, MORONS
 WHO CAN'T DRIVE is! Man, I'm pissed!

 Well, there you go. I'd recommend not getting behind the wheel after reading this, and maybe calling a medic...or something. But seriously, this guy shouldn't be a reason to hate Canada. Hell, I think there's plenty of Canadians who want so badly to beat this guy to a bloody pulp with a hockey stick. So, that's all folks!

Monday, February 20, 2012

The MST's of Toobis: Part the first and a half - Anime (part 2)

Remember Toobis's rant on how anime fans are retards? Well, the dreaded saga continues in this epic fail-tastic sequel:

"People who watch anime are retards (part 2)"
Yay! *Kermit-flail*
Remember when I said in a past rant that all most Americans cared about was television and movies?
How could we forget?
Some people said I was stereotyping,
You were.
yet about half of my new email since writing the Anime Rant is from Americans defending anime. Boy, they're sure proving me wrong!
Yeah, because God forbid should you tell Toobis he is wrong to make the statements he did concerning anime. Hell, you can't tell him he's wrong, period. It automatically makes you stupid.

One guy wrote:
For starters, I actually enjoy most of your site with the frequent updates and rants.  However, your recent "anime is for morons" rant reeks of bias and ignorance.
Thank you one guy.
I know that it's 'cool' to hate anime and that anime is seen in a negative light in general, but your rant was just pathetic.  Anime is just like any other form of media; anime falls into many genres and is just as diverse as movies, music and books.

Anime is as diverse as books?
I know, right?!
So are there a lot of historical non-fiction animes?
Probably. I think there's an anime for just about anything.
Are there animes written entirely in poetry? Has anyone ever done an anime biography?
There's a manga of Mien Kamf. Yes, no joke, they did a manga on the life of Hitler.
Let's not get CRAZY and start talking about anime as if was as relevant as literature. Treating it like some high form of art is just .. dun dun dun..
Damn, I so wanted to take a drink.

I've seen a fair amount of anime.
Remember the part where he said "I haven't seen enough to know"? Hm, you know what, take a drink whenever this dude contradicts himself.
I've seen the entire Outlaw Star series on DVD (crap), the movie Akira (garbage), and a variety of anime series shown on TV (lame).
I might be wrong, but there isn't very much "variety" just on TV alone. You have to search the web to find sites that show episodes, and go to anime conventions to get the DVD's and what have me, being an otaku is a big frickin' investment. You pay less for weed, Toobis.
There may even be more animes that I've seen, but I can't remember because anime is completely forgettable.
Or you were really really stoned when you watched it.
I tried to give anime a chance,
But it just wasn't working out. Me and anime, we had to come to terms with the facts; we had to break up *epic breakup song starts playing*
and watched the stuff considered the "best" by anime fans.
Again, you need to find more anime fans. Go to Ichibancon some time.
I then came to the conclusion that if the "best" was this bad, I'd hate to have to sit through a "mediocre" anime.
Depends on whether "mediocre" is "not in the Big Three" or "actually sucks". Have you ever tried anything that wasn't Bleach, One Piece or Naruto?
I can't say that any anime has ever really touched me in any way at all.
Glad to hear. I find it's best not to watch the creepy tentacle porn in 3-D, or it will touch you. Brrrrr.

Anime storylines are not written for children.
They are, then 4Kids gets hold of them. Then they are written for assholes, by assholes.
However, they certainly aren't written for adults either.
Never mind that seinen and josei are genres actually geared towards adults.
They are targeted at teenagers!
You mean, kind of the way Family Guy and South Park do it?
Just because someone dies in the story doesn't mean it's "deep".
Nooooooo!!!!!!!! You killed Kenny!
Anime fans keep trying to defend it as if anime cartoons are the modern day Shakespearian plays.
I never said it was Shakespeare, but hell Japanese is easier to translate to his frickin' language! They actually have a manga of Hamlet, by the way.
Probably so they can feel better about themselves and pretend like people who don't watch anime "just don't get it".
People who don't watch anime are like people who don't read webcomics. It's just not your thing. And you more than "just don't get it"; you don't get it, you never will get it, and you're ugly.
Whatever. There's nothing to get!
Except maybe Duct Tape so you can shut up.

Our emailing compadre continues with the following:
. . you said that anime has terrible animation.  Quite the generalization you have there.  Sure, some anime does have bad animation, but look at the animation quality of cartoons in the US/Canada - it's just as bad!  Well, first of all, most of the shows you've probably seen were made 10-20 years ago!  Dragon Ball Z is a prime example: airing in the US/Canada many years after it was made.  Most recent and decent anime has good animation quality.   It's very similar to crappy special effects / acting / camera work in movies and TV.
When you watch an old movie such as the first movie of the terminator series, do you say, "OMFG LOL DA TERMINAT0R LOOKS SO FAKE!!!11  LOL THEY SUCK MOVIEZ R GAY LLOL!!!111one" ?

Well, go f*cking figure.  The special effects suck?  I wonder why!  The movie's OLD

I can watch an old movie and still appreciate it. Citizen Kane anyone? Star Wars? Clockwork Orange? (By the way, if you've never seen Clockwork Orange go rent it and watch it with your girlfriend, she'll love it.) You have a girlfriend? Poor thing. I mean her, not you.

. . you complain about big eyes and unrealistic body proportions.  Who gives a flying f*ck?  It's all about style, or the lack of it when needed.  The facial expressions and gestures used in anime are just to emphasize the mood and other points.  Though you may not like the style used in anime, many people do - myself included.  It all comes down to taste and opinions. For example, Final Fantasy VII's character models were totally out of proportion, but that doesn't stop thousands upon thousands of gamers from recognizing the good parts of it and hailing it as one of the best games ever made.
FF7 was a good game? News to me! I used to be able to enjoy the Final Fantasy series, as predictable as it is, when they were still being made for the Super Nintendo. That was until they moved to the Playstation and someone decided to try to make the characters and storylines more and more "anime-like".
I think maybe Toobis is allergic to anime.
There's a part I remember in FF7 where the main character puts on women's clothing and it's supposed to be funny.
Because it is. Just like your face.
That's exactly the kind of crap that pisses me off when I watch an anime! The Japanese love to throw in 4th-grade jokes everywhere!
No, transvestite humor is not a 4th-grade thing; many actually consider that to be inappropriate for kids that age.
The cutsie "creature things" that are supposed to be comic relief (for who, 6 year olds?), the scantly clad women, the fart jokes
Since when the hell did anime have fart jokes?
; is that what the Japanese consider adult-level art? Did the Hiroshima radiation totally screw up that country or something? Knock it off you dirty japs!
This guy is an expert at pissing people off. Way to diss a nation that has probably developed a smart phone capable of shooting lasers out its screen. 

Another guy writes:
There is an explanation for the big eyes in anime. Supposedly, when Japanese animators were looking for inspiration, they saw Bugs Bunny. They though of something utterly brilliant: If American idiots like big-eyed rabbits, they must be stupid enough to like big-eyed everything. So, through careful planning, they duped 90% of adolescent America to fall into their trap and pay them money for sh*tty animation (one of the few opinions of yours I share).

However, some anime, despite the horrible animation, is still decent, I'm sure of it. Now all I have to do is find it and I'll have proof!

I too assume that somewhere, amidst the sea of TRASH, is one good anime just waiting to be watched. I'll be damned if I've found it yet, though!
But instead of searching, you sit at your screen and bitch. 
Anime is just a stark reminder of where this world is going in terms of literacy.
Uh-huh. Yeah, forget our economy, the degeneracy of today, or politics the world over; it's those gosh-darned Japanese people!
Teenagers are watching cartoons instead of reading or going to the theatre.
I watch cartoons and read, and I don't go to 'theatre'. I go to 'theater'. Learn to spell, you Euro-American dolt.
There is nothing intellectual about anime, and there's a reason universities have classes on Shakespeare and not on Japanese Por- err Anime.
This becomes a thousand times funnier when you realize there are college courses on anime.
Those half-naked cartoon lady posters on your wall (or website background) don't mean anything more than "I'm a loser".

I don't have "half-naked cartoon lady posters" on my walls. Or website backgrounds. And just because the half-naked ladies are real instead of cartoons, you're still a loser Toobis.

 Now, in the midst of all this, I got kind of hungry and bored. Then something shiny caught my attention and I forgot about the fat Canadian guy completely. There was actually a picture he had on the page that I chose not to add in, it was, in a word, gross. Seriously, her boobs looked like soccer balls or something. 

Well, I have to go, hope you enjoyed me mocking this guy.

The MST's of Toobis: Part the first - Anime

Alright, so here's the first MST on a rant he did about anime.

"People who watch anime are retards"

Already, you see something promising right in the title!

They say you can tell more about a society from the art its citizens enjoy than from anything else, so do not discount this rant as "trivial" simply because it's in regards to a style of animation.
Take this ranting to heart. I feel an important lesson coming on.

With that out of the way, let me say that anime, aka japanimation, is probably the scariest indicator of where North American (this includes Canada) education systems have gone (though a Canadian education is still FAR SUPERIOR).
OH MY GAH! That is absolutely awful! Thank God Canada is still superior, eh?
You probably have met someone before who is really into anime.
How did he know? Yeah, I'm one of them, thanks.
They buy the movies, insist with a straight face that Pokémon is "actually kind of cool", and are always talking about how they wish they could date a Japanese girl.
I've done none of those things actually. I'm not sure what kind of otaku he's been talking to, but how come I've never met one like that before?
Do not associate yourself with this person anymore, because they are a GRADE A
Not to be confused with this guy, who's about a Grade B at best. The difference is that Grade A's actually know they are stupid. And what's with the "This Is SPARTA!" giant text? Your page looks like a frickin ransom note!
The 15% of animes that aren't just animated porn
Hentai. It's called hentai. And you're probably thinking of the fanart. About 84% is yaoi/yuri, 1% is straight, and the remaining 15% is in no way sex-related. But again, that's the fanart.
(and your Anime-loving friend probably owns a bit of both)
Yes, even little kids who like Pokemon. They grow up so fast these days!
are just 4th grade humor mixed together with a formulaic plot, translated from another language, all set to low-budget animation. is that any different from animation from other countries? And you're wrong, not all anime is like that, but I want to deliver it in a way that is snide and sarcastic, so moving on;
 Now, "Wait", you say, "it's just a cartoon for kids, and those idiots will watch anything".
That is exactly what I said! Yeah, that was our exact argument to you.
You would think so, however, anime is described by fans as cartoons for adults!
Le gasp! Actually it isn't, it's described as being a form of entertainment, just as diverse as Western cartoons or live action TV. But I izn't smart liek yooz.
In reality, there aren't many adults stupid enough to watch that crap,
There's plenty stupid enough to read your crap.
so the main audience it ends up being marketed to is teenagers (note the scantly clad, green-haired females with D cups in pretty much every show).
Envy from Fullmetal Alchemist...well, yeah, scantily-clad, green hair, probably D cups. But he is a shapeshifter, so he well could have been in pretty much every show. Huh, I think this guy's onto something.

Anime has terrible animation.
Not just terrible. Terrible to the point where it had to be put in bold text to denote emphasis.
The Japanese artists (no doubt wealthy beyond imagination because of the ignorant Americans who keep buying their work)
Yes, because that's the only country Japan markets to. America.
don't even take the time to draw a person's mouth moving when showing someone speaking!
And I repeat: OH MY GAH!
Instead, they just draw one frame of the character's mouth closed, and one frame of it open, and flip between them as the voice actor's audio plays. LAZY BASTARDS!

I always knew those weddings weren't legit! And you're really one to call anybody lazy, what with you being a pot-smoking minimum-wage fatass who lives with your mom.
It's so predictable, too. There's always some "cute" fuzzy thing thrown into the cast for no apparent reason other than to squeak,
Remember Ryuk from Death Note? Or was he talking about Misa?
maybe a giant robot or a spaceship,
It's called "mecha" dude. Look it up.
somebody with mystical powers,
Like Tamaki from Ouran High School Host Club and his powers of flirting.
and someone who is part-human part-animal.

*sniff* Don't you bring Nina into this! Sorry if that was going too far.
And what is with the females in these shows?
Dear Lord, what's with this guy and always the word "females"? The female whats, Toobis? Are you debating as to whether they constitute the term "human" or something?
They are always wearing some retarded
Okay, here's a fun game; every time this guy says something or someone is "retarded", drink.
costume like a schoolgirl uniform,
You know, most guys who scrutinize a woman's choice of dress like this are often assumed to be homosexual.
or a hideous dress with flaps of fabric EVERYWHERE and a humongous bow. UGLY.
Simply un-FABULOUS!
But that doesn't stop armies of 14-year old boys from wishing they could date a Japanese girl.
Because 1)All anime otaku are 14-year-old boys, and 2)They all want to date someone who's Japanese. Funny, anime never made me want to date a Japanese boy, just made me wanna date the anime characters.

(because I'm sure Japanese girls love knowing that when they're making out with their boyfriend he's imagining she's the heroine of his favorite low-quality "adult cartoon").
You're just pouty because you have no girlfriend to make out with, regardless of ethnicity. And stop acting like you actually care about how it makes women feel.
And another thing, WHAT IS WITH THE BIG EYES!
All the better to roll at your utter ignorance, desu.

The women in animes pretty much always have only one of two cardboard personalities:
The man-woman: A woman who acts like a male stereotype, and is able to beat up the male character in the show.
Because being able to beat up a male automatically makes you "mannish". Gee, you have insecurities about your um..."guy-thingy"?
She might be an assassin or an Amazon woman, but the gimmick is that she's female, and yet acting just like a male.
That's right folks: Sailor Moon, Tokyo Mew Mew, Shugo Chara, hell, even some shonen leading ladies like Maka Albarn from Soul Eater and Moka Akashia from Rosario+Vampire; they're all a bunch of man-ladies cause they can all kick ass. Because real women can't kick ass.

The girlie-girl: Most of the girls in anime take on this role.
Frankly, I find it hard to imagine you know even half of what the girls in anime take on as a role.
A women who is completely ditsy and retarded,
yet drawn like a super model.
Ugh, he's done gross things while watching them, hasn't he?

Don't forget the green hair.
What the hell do you have against green?! And it's not just green, either. Oh, and not merely girls in anime are capable of having wild hair color; Yu-Gi-Oh, anyone?
Now, I'm all for shows that degrade women,
Because it makes me feel better for having a female boss, *sobs uncontrollably*
but even Anime goes too far for me.
Oh, did you hear that? There's only so much chauvinism that this guy can take in one sitting! Hm, nah, I've read some of your other rants, this is rather hard to believe.
There may also be other cardboard stereotypes animes employ, but I haven't seen enough of them to know.
You read that part? "I haven't seen enough of them to know"? Then why exactly do you tout yourself as some anime "expert" in the first place? Then again, it's self-contradictions like this that inspired me to MST the hell out of you.

 Typical anime-girl with oddly colored hair and hideous clothing interacts with the show's "cute fuzzy thing". *picture was added by Toobis, not me. And frankly, I find that outfit to be kind of neat, as far as anime goes. Then again, I'm not awesome like this guy*The worst part about Anime is that the fans defend it like it is some sort of viable art form.
It is. It's not the high-end s**t you'll find in an art museum in Paris (though I won't be surprised when it starts showing up there), but it's just as much legit art as rock and roll is legit music. Yes, even MSI is legit, and I don't even like them that much.
People used to go to the theatre,
First the outfit critique, then you bring up theater?
visit art galleries, and read poetry if they wanted to enjoy art,
And they still do. Believe it or not, I actually write poetry.
but nowadays they just turn on the Cartoon Network
Because all anime comes from Cartoon Network.
and watch a ragtag team of 1-dimensional characters ride robots and fight predictable bad guys. I'm not saying that people can't enjoy different forms of art.
You just did.
I'm just saying that there should be a standard for what is considered art and what isn't.
Like, artist who swallowed a tube of gouache and puked it up on a canvas. Yes, you should not be calling that art.
If anime is what is considered art these days Shakespeare must be rolling around in his grave.

Fun fact everyone: A lot of the stuff in Shakespeare actually had a lot of sex jokes in it. Like "Villain, I have done thy mother". 

 The animators of this show didn't take the time to draw this guy's teeth. They just drew a big white rectangle instead. Also, note the floating eye brows, lack of a nose, and mouth half the size of his face. *okay, this guy doesn't understand that a few of the things he pointed out are actually staples of artistic shorthand. If each tooth were drawn individually, it would actually look like they were false teeth. And this is obviously a show of exaggerated emotion, common among even Western cartoons, but it seems he doesn't care*

Anyone that can be entertained by such low-quality garbage is obviously an idiot, and would be best avoided.
Lest their stupidity rub off on all you "jenius folkz" out there.
When I see the Japanese culture spread to website design and so forth I begin to worry about the very state of our society.
*gasp* You mean, Japan's culture is celebrated by various countries the world over? What the hell's next, Africa becoming industrialized?!
Anime is an indicator of a very dangerous trend in the world,
*cue the dramatic theme music*
and things keep getting worse. Shortly after Anime hit the mainstream the hideous "Matrix" movies came out, which were basically anime storylines (well, lack thereof) done with real actors.
Really? Matrix was "hideous"...hold on, there's an anime out there of the Matrix?! Now THAT would be awesome!
Then came Tamagotchi pets, the Pokémon fiasco,
You know Pokemon is an anime, right?
and "anime emoticons" (like ^_^ and O.o) in chat rooms and bulletin boards.
You just can't win with this guy, can you?

The Japanese have already gotten everyone hooked on their high tech gadgets, now they are attempting to take over our entertainment industry as well!
Because God forbid a nation should profit from a form of entertainment it markets to other nations. How dare Japan want to make money!
It must be some sort of sick revenge for the way the U.S. cut off their oil prior to WWII, provoking them to attack and enter a losing war.
Yeah, it's all America's fault. No scapegoat there. >_>
Pearl Harbor was nothing compared to this, though! Seriously, a society full of morons is much worse than a few dead sailors.
His actual words. And it was more than "a few dead sailors" Toobis, thousands died from that attack. But I guess it's okay since they aren't Canadian like you. *facepalm*

This is Toobis, SIGNING OUT.
'Bout time.

Well, there it is, my first ever MST. Tell me what you think of this guy, point out a typo I made, whatever. Anyway, I hope you all enjoyed! 

MST Intro

Hey everyone!
I'm new to the blogging world, and this is also my first MST, but I'm hoping it'll come out okay. Well, a while ago I ran into this site by a guy named Toobis, a Canadian narcissist who knows how to piss off all the right people - women, army vets, otaku, Americans, gays, blacks, Jews and perhaps anything that has a pulse. In short, an asshole. He no longer updates his site, so it can be assumed he was murdered by a lesbian ex-Marine mother of two who happened to know about three martial arts. We highly commend you, whoever you are.

So, due to an obsession with train-wrecks, I got kind of hooked on reading his garbage that he believes is "changing the world" somehow - and don't get me wrong, there are moments when this guy's neurons come together and he spouts an intelligent thought. It's not very often though.

That being said, I hope you enjoy my smartass commentaries of his "Thoughts and Ponderings".