Monday, February 20, 2012

The MST's of Toobis: Part the first - Anime

Alright, so here's the first MST on a rant he did about anime.

"People who watch anime are retards"

Already, you see something promising right in the title!

They say you can tell more about a society from the art its citizens enjoy than from anything else, so do not discount this rant as "trivial" simply because it's in regards to a style of animation.
Take this ranting to heart. I feel an important lesson coming on.

With that out of the way, let me say that anime, aka japanimation, is probably the scariest indicator of where North American (this includes Canada) education systems have gone (though a Canadian education is still FAR SUPERIOR).
OH MY GAH! That is absolutely awful! Thank God Canada is still superior, eh?
You probably have met someone before who is really into anime.
How did he know? Yeah, I'm one of them, thanks.
They buy the movies, insist with a straight face that Pokémon is "actually kind of cool", and are always talking about how they wish they could date a Japanese girl.
I've done none of those things actually. I'm not sure what kind of otaku he's been talking to, but how come I've never met one like that before?
Do not associate yourself with this person anymore, because they are a GRADE A
MORON!
Not to be confused with this guy, who's about a Grade B at best. The difference is that Grade A's actually know they are stupid. And what's with the "This Is SPARTA!" giant text? Your page looks like a frickin ransom note!
The 15% of animes that aren't just animated porn
Hentai. It's called hentai. And you're probably thinking of the fanart. About 84% is yaoi/yuri, 1% is straight, and the remaining 15% is in no way sex-related. But again, that's the fanart.
(and your Anime-loving friend probably owns a bit of both)
Yes, even little kids who like Pokemon. They grow up so fast these days!
are just 4th grade humor mixed together with a formulaic plot, translated from another language, all set to low-budget animation.
So...how is that any different from animation from other countries? And you're wrong, not all anime is like that, but I want to deliver it in a way that is snide and sarcastic, so moving on;
 Now, "Wait", you say, "it's just a cartoon for kids, and those idiots will watch anything".
That is exactly what I said! Yeah, that was our exact argument to you.
You would think so, however, anime is described by fans as cartoons for adults!
Le gasp! Actually it isn't, it's described as being a form of entertainment, just as diverse as Western cartoons or live action TV. But I izn't smart liek yooz.
In reality, there aren't many adults stupid enough to watch that crap,
There's plenty stupid enough to read your crap.
so the main audience it ends up being marketed to is teenagers (note the scantly clad, green-haired females with D cups in pretty much every show).
Envy from Fullmetal Alchemist...well, yeah, scantily-clad, green hair, probably female...no D cups. But he is a shapeshifter, so he well could have been in pretty much every show. Huh, I think this guy's onto something.

Anime has terrible animation.
Not just terrible. Terrible to the point where it had to be put in bold text to denote emphasis.
The Japanese artists (no doubt wealthy beyond imagination because of the ignorant Americans who keep buying their work)
Yes, because that's the only country Japan markets to. America.
don't even take the time to draw a person's mouth moving when showing someone speaking!
And I repeat: OH MY GAH!
Instead, they just draw one frame of the character's mouth closed, and one frame of it open, and flip between them as the voice actor's audio plays. LAZY BASTARDS!

I always knew those weddings weren't legit! And you're really one to call anybody lazy, what with you being a pot-smoking minimum-wage fatass who lives with your mom.
It's so predictable, too. There's always some "cute" fuzzy thing thrown into the cast for no apparent reason other than to squeak,
Remember Ryuk from Death Note? Or was he talking about Misa?
maybe a giant robot or a spaceship,
It's called "mecha" dude. Look it up.
somebody with mystical powers,
Like Tamaki from Ouran High School Host Club and his powers of flirting.
and someone who is part-human part-animal.

*sniff* Don't you bring Nina into this! Sorry if that was going too far.
And what is with the females in these shows?
Dear Lord, what's with this guy and always the word "females"? The female whats, Toobis? Are you debating as to whether they constitute the term "human" or something?
They are always wearing some retarded
Okay, here's a fun game; every time this guy says something or someone is "retarded", drink.
costume like a schoolgirl uniform,
You know, most guys who scrutinize a woman's choice of dress like this are often assumed to be homosexual.
or a hideous dress with flaps of fabric EVERYWHERE and a humongous bow. UGLY.
Simply un-FABULOUS!
But that doesn't stop armies of 14-year old boys from wishing they could date a Japanese girl.
Riiiiiight.
Because 1)All anime otaku are 14-year-old boys, and 2)They all want to date someone who's Japanese. Funny, anime never made me want to date a Japanese boy, just made me wanna date the anime characters.

(because I'm sure Japanese girls love knowing that when they're making out with their boyfriend he's imagining she's the heroine of his favorite low-quality "adult cartoon").
You're just pouty because you have no girlfriend to make out with, regardless of ethnicity. And stop acting like you actually care about how it makes women feel.
And another thing, WHAT IS WITH THE BIG EYES!
All the better to roll at your utter ignorance, desu.

The women in animes pretty much always have only one of two cardboard personalities:
The man-woman: A woman who acts like a male stereotype, and is able to beat up the male character in the show.
Because being able to beat up a male automatically makes you "mannish". Gee, you have insecurities about your um..."guy-thingy"?
She might be an assassin or an Amazon woman, but the gimmick is that she's female, and yet acting just like a male.
That's right folks: Sailor Moon, Tokyo Mew Mew, Shugo Chara, hell, even some shonen leading ladies like Maka Albarn from Soul Eater and Moka Akashia from Rosario+Vampire; they're all a bunch of man-ladies cause they can all kick ass. Because real women can't kick ass.

The girlie-girl: Most of the girls in anime take on this role.
Frankly, I find it hard to imagine you know even half of what the girls in anime take on as a role.
A women who is completely ditsy and retarded,
DRINK!
yet drawn like a super model.
Ugh, he's done gross things while watching them, hasn't he?

Don't forget the green hair.
What the hell do you have against green?! And it's not just green, either. Oh, and not merely girls in anime are capable of having wild hair color; Yu-Gi-Oh, anyone?
Now, I'm all for shows that degrade women,
Because it makes me feel better for having a female boss, *sobs uncontrollably*
but even Anime goes too far for me.
Oh, did you hear that? There's only so much chauvinism that this guy can take in one sitting! Hm, nah, I've read some of your other rants, this is rather hard to believe.
There may also be other cardboard stereotypes animes employ, but I haven't seen enough of them to know.
You read that part? "I haven't seen enough of them to know"? Then why exactly do you tout yourself as some anime "expert" in the first place? Then again, it's self-contradictions like this that inspired me to MST the hell out of you.


 Typical anime-girl with oddly colored hair and hideous clothing interacts with the show's "cute fuzzy thing". *picture was added by Toobis, not me. And frankly, I find that outfit to be kind of neat, as far as anime goes. Then again, I'm not awesome like this guy*The worst part about Anime is that the fans defend it like it is some sort of viable art form.
It is. It's not the high-end s**t you'll find in an art museum in Paris (though I won't be surprised when it starts showing up there), but it's just as much legit art as rock and roll is legit music. Yes, even MSI is legit, and I don't even like them that much.
People used to go to the theatre,
First the outfit critique, then you bring up theater?
visit art galleries, and read poetry if they wanted to enjoy art,
And they still do. Believe it or not, I actually write poetry.
but nowadays they just turn on the Cartoon Network
Because all anime comes from Cartoon Network.
and watch a ragtag team of 1-dimensional characters ride robots and fight predictable bad guys. I'm not saying that people can't enjoy different forms of art.
You just did.
I'm just saying that there should be a standard for what is considered art and what isn't.
Like, artist who swallowed a tube of gouache and puked it up on a canvas. Yes, you should not be calling that art.
If anime is what is considered art these days Shakespeare must be rolling around in his grave.

Fun fact everyone: A lot of the stuff in Shakespeare actually had a lot of sex jokes in it. Like "Villain, I have done thy mother". 

 The animators of this show didn't take the time to draw this guy's teeth. They just drew a big white rectangle instead. Also, note the floating eye brows, lack of a nose, and mouth half the size of his face. *okay, this guy doesn't understand that a few of the things he pointed out are actually staples of artistic shorthand. If each tooth were drawn individually, it would actually look like they were false teeth. And this is obviously a show of exaggerated emotion, common among even Western cartoons, but it seems he doesn't care*


Anyone that can be entertained by such low-quality garbage is obviously an idiot, and would be best avoided.
Lest their stupidity rub off on all you "jenius folkz" out there.
When I see the Japanese culture spread to website design and so forth I begin to worry about the very state of our society.
*gasp* You mean, Japan's culture is celebrated by various countries the world over? What the hell's next, Africa becoming industrialized?!
Anime is an indicator of a very dangerous trend in the world,
*cue the dramatic theme music*
and things keep getting worse. Shortly after Anime hit the mainstream the hideous "Matrix" movies came out, which were basically anime storylines (well, lack thereof) done with real actors.
Really? Matrix was "hideous"...hold on, there's an anime out there of the Matrix?! Now THAT would be awesome!
Then came Tamagotchi pets, the Pokémon fiasco,
You know Pokemon is an anime, right?
and "anime emoticons" (like ^_^ and O.o) in chat rooms and bulletin boards.
You just can't win with this guy, can you?


The Japanese have already gotten everyone hooked on their high tech gadgets, now they are attempting to take over our entertainment industry as well!
Because God forbid a nation should profit from a form of entertainment it markets to other nations. How dare Japan want to make money!
It must be some sort of sick revenge for the way the U.S. cut off their oil prior to WWII, provoking them to attack and enter a losing war.
Yeah, it's all America's fault. No scapegoat there. >_>
Pearl Harbor was nothing compared to this, though! Seriously, a society full of morons is much worse than a few dead sailors.
His actual words. And it was more than "a few dead sailors" Toobis, thousands died from that attack. But I guess it's okay since they aren't Canadian like you. *facepalm*

This is Toobis, SIGNING OUT.
'Bout time.


Well, there it is, my first ever MST. Tell me what you think of this guy, point out a typo I made, whatever. Anyway, I hope you all enjoyed! 

7 comments:

  1. One hell of an awesome commentary you did, bro. I need to follow your blog!

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  2. Sorry I thought YOU were Toobis for a second there. Sorry!

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  3. That is a splendidly pithy skewering of a completely retarded (drinks)rant. If anything, the torrent of incorrect/demeaning comments spouted by this Toobis character are a surer indication of any shortcomings in his nation's education system than the medium he is lambasting; a pity this kind of blowhard isn't a scarcity in life. I'm looking forward to seeing what you make of the second half of his rant.

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